•It's just a feeling•

However long the night, the dawn will break.

~ African Proverb

It's 1:35 am. Can't sleep.

*Break Time*

So I am taking a break from working my statistics assignment. It was due at 10:00 tonight and I just got a stats calculator (bc my teacher specifically said that I did not need one and of course the quiz requires us to use one). So I finish about half of the quiz and have all this anxiety bc I didn't finish it by 10:00 and submitted it half done and sent my professor an extension request, only to find out that she had already extended the whole assignment until saturday bc of the sleet. UGH. So its break time for me to re coop my thoughts and begin again. What better way then to type it out for the world to see :)
So I had this odd dream 2 nights ago that I have been meaning to get on here and tell you about. So I have this dream that I am in a house with everyone that I work with, all of my mutual friends, some people from church and a ton of children. It almost seemed as if there was a childrens church inside the home and I am not sure what we were all doing except some event that we were all involved in. The weather started to get really bad outside and it was raining and raining. We were in the basement of the house helping out with this children's event when someone says that the house is flooding because of the rain and there is no way out. The weird part about it is that everyone seemed okay with it. Of course we did not tell the children what was going on but the adults just accepted the fact that the house was flooding, there was no way out and we were all going to die and we should just entertain the children until our last breath. Kind of like a titanic type story. I kept imagining everyone in the house drowning and thinking "there HAS to be a way out of here where there is not flooding before the house actually does flood." I noticed that the people who said the house was flooding were disappearing and then showing back up and as they would walk away I would ask where they were going and the response would be "no where or ill be right back or over here" and I knew something was up. So I started searching around for different doors that might lead to the outdoors that would not open a dam into the area where everyone was. Well I finally saw 2 of my friends walk off and I followed behind them but in a distance to see where they were going but they didn't know I was following. As I go through a series of halls and doors I found my way to the outside where the house was not flooded but it was down poring where it would eventually over a long amount of time would flood. I am in the yard when my friends noticed that I am out there and say "What are you doing out here?!" and I said "Well I knew yall were going somewhere and I knew that something was up! We need to save these children and get everyone out of this house so they won't die!" and they said "This is exactly why we didn't want you to know that the house wasn't drowning yet because we knew you would try to save everyone and they can't all be saved! There is not enough time!"And I said "So we just let everyone die because we don't have enough time to get everyone?! We need to at least try and get the children out of there! We have to!" So after arguing back and forth they told me that they were not telling them about it and that was the way it was and if I wanted to go then I could go but everyone was staying. As I was standing in the yard, I was trying to decide if I should leave and save myself so I can live the rest of my life and leave them to the ignorance of thinking that the house was flooding which eventually would and all die. I wanted to stay just because I felt bad that I had found the way out and the others hadn't. They had not even tried, they believed the ones that said the house was flooding and it was enough for them. But what about the children? What about the innocent children that did not know either way and wouldn't until its too late?
This is the point at which I woke up.  I could not help but think that this parable was something that God had revealed to me in my sleep that everyone around me is drowning and I can only be responsible for saving myself. I can tell people the truth and show them the truth by walking away. If I had stayed they would think that the house was really flooding and I believed it too. This may be where I draw the line between compassion for others and my own self preservation. I have a tendency to always put others before my own needs and at some point I have to take care of myself.  I take on others struggles and problems as my own and can be run over from time to time. I will always be compassionate for mankind because that is who I am. It is one of my biggest strengths but can also be a weakness. Ok so don't think I am going to start being mean to everyone because you know that won't happen :) I just thought I would share that LONG dream with you and hopefully it added a little perspective to life.

"It's all about quality of life and finding a happy balance between work and friends and family." Philip Green 

MONEY MONEY MONEY

So I totally just made a spreadsheet of my living expenses and tuition for my parents while I am going to be in Auburn before I start Pharmacy School and lets just say the results are HORRIFYING! This is not including any "me" expenses! FASFA is definitely not going to cover that and not having a job, I don't know how I am going to do it. I do not know how anyone that does not have rich parents can go to a university because FASFA pretty much makes it impossible to pay for your tuition and living expenses. I know everything is going to work out fine and that's what my family keeps saying but golly that is a lot of money and I just really do not want them to have to pay for it. I guess I am doing the right thing to get out of this situation that I am in but I am just in shock! I tried pasting a picture of it to my profile. Not sure if it worked because I am having technical difficulties with this blog but I will figure it out! 


BTW - I am have a FABULOUS week so far! I absolutely love my life and thank God for the "almosts" in life. 
Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore
-Lady Gaga

GAH, SHE IS SO SMART!

Confusion

Why is finding your niche so hard to do? Doesn't everyone know what they are good at or what they love to do? I guess you have to decide if what you love to do should be your career or just a hobby... this is what I seem to struggle with everyday. I would love to own a boutique and this is something that I have wanted to do for a long time now but it just seems that it is not the right timing right now. So much time and money goes into something like that for it to be successful. And Lord knows that if I am going to do it I WILL be successful at it. But at what point do you put away the realistic ideas and go for your dreams whole heartedly? This means putting so much at risk and I think just the idea of branching out there is the scariest part! I envy individuals who just throw themselves to the wind to be taken wherever it blows. At once I did such a thing when I moved to NY and now I feel so structured since I have moved back. Almost like my time has passed and its time to face reality and what it's all about. Maybe if I follow this road, it will lead me back to that one where I can be free to do what my heart desires. I have been very contemplative today, maybe because it's my first back to school and I always question everything. I do have to say that I am very thankful to be living in the United States where I have the freedom to chose what it is I want to do and be as indecisive as I want to be. :) I have posted the song "Back to Manhattan" by Norah Jones that I love. This song always takes me back to NY and sometimes wishing I had done things differently.

Snowed In

This is the second day to be snowed into my apartment and I can just say that I am bored out of my mind. I feel like I am beginning to get delirious. I have slept for hours and hours. I have eaten and eaten. I even went to the apartment gym to workout in which I have not done since the creaper was stalking me. All night I have shopped and shopped and shopped online. This snow has been great for the internet shopping but horrible for my checking account. I feel like there is so much I need to be doing right now but of course cannot think of it. I am sure I will think of it tomorrow while I'm at work busy as heck and have no time to do ANYTHING. This Auburn game is on and I can honestly say that I do not give a rats butt about this game. Good News: I was accepted to Auburn but I am definitely not going there because of the team (although Phillip swears I will be an Auburn fan before I leave). I feel like I have so much on my mind but do not even know where to begin. Doing all of this online shopping really made me miss my dreams of owning my own boutique business but I can only have hopes that still maybe one day I will. I just hate things have happened the way they have the past 8 months. Everything was so perfect. Why? Why was it not enough? And now "it is"? I can't just go back to that life and those dreams like nothing happened. There are scars and they are deep and I will have side effects for a long time. So for now I have to go with this plan and this dream and maybe one day I will be home again.

The Power of Prayer

I have a lot on my mind right now buy I can say that through the long and I mean LONG day I had today that only one things keeps to stick out in my mind. I met a girl today that I did not know from Adam and she began to open up to me and tell me all of these things that were going on in her life and how she was struggling addictions and disease and family problems and she started crying and asked me to pray for her. She said "I don't know why I am telling you all of this but you just really seem like a nice girl and I feel I can talk to you, will you please pray for me? Because I really need it and so does my family. I do not want to die." I was speechless with the boldness and honesty this poor girl presented to me. Most people you know your whole life would not open up like that to you and throw it all out there and say "Just pray for me." It's so easy to pretend we have it all together because how dare anyone know that we are falling apart inside. I can not stop thinking about this experience today and every time I do, I immediately pray for her. She was not asking for my friendship or for my opinion but just to pray and trusting that I would. It is times like these that I do not doubt the power of prayer in someone's life and in my life. We should never cease to pray.

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